Tuesday, May 12, 2020

Well that's clear then.

New rules for the UK explained:
* 4 year olds can go to school, but university students who have paid for the tuition they haven’t had and the accommodation they aren’t living in, can’t go to university.
* A teacher can go to school with many 4 year olds that they are not related to, but can’t see one 4 year old that they are related to.
* You can sit in a park, but only after Wednesday.
* You can meet one person from another household for a chat or to sunbathe, but not two people so if you know two people from another household you have to pick your favourite. Hopefully, you’re also their favourite person from your household or this could be awkward. As you can’t go closer than 2m to the one you choose anyway you wouldn’t think having the other one sat next to them would matter - unless two people would restrict your eyeline too much and prevent you from being alert.
* You can work all day with your colleagues, but you can’t sit in their garden for a chat after work.
* You can now do unlimited exercise and you can even drive to the place for your exercise but not if that means crossing the border into Wales,Scotland or N Ireland.
* You can drive to other destinations, although which destinations is unclear.
* The buses and trains are still running but you shouldn’t get on one if it means being closer than 2m from others.. You should either cycle or walk instead.
* You should wear a face mask in public places but you don't have to. Your mask must not be one used by the NHS or other keyworkers. Instead it should be made from something like a T-shirt or a vacuum cleaner bag.
* It will soon be time to quarantine people coming into the country by air... but not yet. It’s too soon. And not ever if they're coming from France.
* Our youngest children go back to school first because... they are notoriously good at not touching things they shouldn’t, maintaining personal space at all times and never randomly licking  their teacher.
* We are somewhere in between 3.5 and 4.5 on a five point scale where 5 is all of the virus and 1 is none of the virus but 2,3 and 4 can be anything you’d like it to be really. Some of the virus? A bit of the virus? Just enough virus to see off those over 70s who were told to self isolate but now we’ve realised that they’ve done that a bit too well despite us offloading coronavirus patients into care homes and now we are claiming that was never said in the first place, even though it’s in writing in the stay at home guidance.
* The slogan isn’t stay at home any more, so we don’t have to stay at home. Except we do. Unless we can’t. In which case we should go out. But there will be fines if we break the rules. So don’t do that.
Don’t forget...
Stay alert... which Robert Jenrick has explained actually means Stay home as much as possible. Obviously.

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