From the local paper The Coast Rider
Residents were up in arms last week after discovering that a local man had fallen prey to another explosive paella attack, making him the 14th victim in the space of a fortnight. Ian Kidd, a 35-year-old expat from Villa Martin, was enjoying some traditional Spanish cuisine when the plate blew up in his face. He said:” There I was, discussing with my wife which Karaoke bar we’d be going to that evening, when I heard an almighty bang. When the dust settled, all that was left in front of me was a couple of charred prawns.” Mr Kidd was lucky, escaping with only minimum clam chaffing of the lower cheek, but some victims over the last two weeks have not been as fortunate. April Hardy, from Los Balcones, suffered from mild concussion and memory loss after the paella she was tucking into detonated in a blaze of rice and peas. An exploding paella was the last thing April expected, and she told me: “An exploding paella was the last thing I expected. I was so confused, I almost forgot to pay my bill.”
This latest incident comes after a spate of attacks which has left the local police dismayed and puzzled. Although no-one has claimed responsibility for the blasts, it is believed that the action group, Fight for Fish (FFF), is culpable for these culinary crimes. Until now, FFF have protested peacefully, but it is believed that a rebel splinter group has been formed focussing solely on the rights of crustaceans. Some residents believe that the blame lies firmly with the local authorities and will be calling on councils to provide protective goggles in all paella-serving restaurants.
I contacted Joe King, from the British Fisheries Union to ask if he had any advice to give ex-pats who enjoy regularly tucking into the common Spanish dish. He said: “The most popular way to detonate a plate of paella is to use fireworks that are shaped like prawns. If any of the shellfish on your plate display a warning which reads ‘Keep away from children’ it is a safe bet that something extremely fishy is going on.” He added: “Another popular method is to fill mussels full of bicarbonate soda. I have done this myself on many occasions and it is quite a spectacle, as well as being a lot of fun.” Mr King went on to tell me that the only sure-fire way to protect oneself from an exploding plate of food is to wear an all-in-one rubber suit.
He said:” They offer the greatest protection from third degree saffron stains, as well as being a lot of fun.”
A lot of fun was what Michael Take had planned, the 42-year-old resident of Playa Flamenca, who was the first to succumb to the latest volatile food offences. He said: “I ordered a huge pan of paella for my friends and family to celebrate getting on the padron.
We were only onto our fourth plate each when the whole pan erupted.
Luckily, nobody was hurt, although it was a shame for the passing ‘looky looky’ man, who had to take his collection of rugs to the drycleaners.”
I love the bit about the poor "looky looky" man and the names the author has used; especially "Micky Take". I'll obviously have to work harder next year to come up with a good story.